Holy fucksticks, Batman...

...it's Finals Week! Your nemesis!

Update after this week. Promise. Last two months have been eventful, i.e. busy.

Shut up and go study.

~Nick

One of these days...

I will stop being a drunk and hold off the temptation to drown myself in alcohol and actually update this with other more happy and more positive things than alcoholism.

~Nick

If Updating Blogs Consisted of Good Karma...

Then I am definitely going to be reincarnated as something less than a cockroach. Perhaps I'll come back as a new strain of the flu and infect anyone who has a blog and does not regularly update it. You know, my friend is in Ireland and, even with all that she's doing over there, she still finds more time to update her blog than I have found in nine months! I'm hoping that, seeing as how I have a super easy semester, I'll be able to update more frequently. Before all those supposed updates, I figure I should probably update you all on pretty much the last half year of my life. I shall do my best to condense and summarize, but not miss important details.

So, spring semester of 2009. I suppose I can't really complain with my grades. As it turns out, what I thought was going to be a moderately difficult semester -- two higher-level history courses, a political science course, and a language course -- turned out to be the most stressful and hellish five months of my collegiate career. Unbeknownst to me, the history courses and the political science course all required vast amounts of readings (books AND articles) as well as a previously unheard of amount of essay-writing. Here are the basic stats; they should give you a pretty good idea as to how incredibly awesome my life was.

Average length of sleep: 6 hours (often less)

Average nights of sleep/week: 3

Average pages due per week: 12-15

Average time spent reading material needed for writing said pages: 6-8 hours/night

Now, here's where I'm confusing myself. I'm sure you would agree that this does not sound like something the normal human being can achieve for five months, without serious risk to his or her health. While I am quite normal now, back then I was not. I spent an incredible amount of personal funds to buy Adderall and other "performance enhancing" drugs, which I was constantly taking. Needless to say, my brain was thoroughly fried. However, I did garner the grades I aimed to get (above a 3.0 for the semester, which was lowered from 4.0 after I discovered that my classes were going to be tough). In addition to both learning the material (as well as retaining the information) and getting the grades I worked for, I have also seemed to have developed a minor sleep disorder. To be a bit more precise, it's more like several disorders: insomnia, random lengths of sleep, randomly altered moods regardless of sleep length, things like that. So, why am I telling you this? For two reasons. First, I would not recommend using drugs like Adderall for academic purposes. I don't necessarily believe it to be cheating, but it's not the best way, it's merely convenient. Second, if you do end up using them, do NOT make it a regular habit to take them. In an emergency, such as a forgotten essay due at 0900 the next morning, I believe it's okay. But keeping yourself on a high dose (I was averaging 100+ mg/day; a dangerous dose is considered to be anywhere from 150-180 mg) for an extended period of time will not end well for you. If you aren't already in the know, drugs like Adderall or Ritalin are amphetamines. Amphetamines are basically the minor form of METH. In higher doses, they can cause psychosis and hypertension. And if you think you can take them for a while and not get addicted, then you are a fucking idiot. I had to deal with 3 weeks of withdrawal symptoms (go to wikipedia if you want to know what they are; I pretty much had all of them) and it was very, very tough. Nicotine, alcohol, nothing could satisfy the urge. So, if you decide to be a moron and make stupid choices like myself, then know that I gave you fair warning.

SUMMER! Best part of the year and I think that goes almost without question. Sun, breeze, bright colors, family, friends, a distinct absence of stress, fishing, tubing, shooting, working, driving, boating, running, partying...the list goes on. My summer did not disappoint me; it was filled with many traveling adventures as well as the usual sit-around-and-do-nothing-because-I-can solo adventures. After spending such a horrid semester at school here on the Hawaiian islands, it almost felt like Minnesota was a great three-month vacation. I got to see family and friends, go see places, do things, sleep (well, more than I was), eat homemade food, fish, read...you know, it costs a lot to keep flying back and forth but it sure feels freakin' awesome.

August 21st, I returned to O'ahu. It was a tiring flight of delays, nearly missed connections, as well as general boredom. When you fly to Hawai'i twice each year, it sort of loses its zeal. I've come to realize that I'm not returning here for vacation, I'm returning to continue my education; that thought curbs any excitement I previously had. Speaking of continuing education...

This is my third year of school. It will also be my last...but only for a while! I will be returning. If you have been following this blog for a length of time, you will know that I am quite set on enlisting in the military, specifically the United States Marine Corps. Why? Because I want to. I want to fulfill my duty to this country, do something honorable with myself. I want to prove that I have what it takes to be the best of the best. I want to NOT pay 34k to go to school and have massive amounts of loans under my name. I do not want my parents to be struggling to work as much overtime as they can to make their contribution (which fucking FAFSA decided was a "proper" amount). I want my sister, who is infinitely more intelligent and capable than myself, to be able to go to a university of her choice, where she will have the education and resources to succeed in whatever she wants to do in life, and I also don't want my parents bending over backwards to work to pay for both of us. At this rate, neither of them will be able to retire in time to really enjoy their lives. I figure that since I'm frequently at odds with my education and since my sister is going to be graduating this year, I'm going to shift the money that is coming my way towards her. Following the closure of spring semester 2010, I will be returning to Minnesota and enlisting in the USMC. For how long, I am not sure. Since I will be enlisted (my clinical depression and medications are a black mark on my medical record; I'm not allowed to be an officer in any branch of the military), I will be getting paid less and doing more. In order to pay back loans, my parents, and have enough saved up to support myself going back to school after, my guess is a full eight years. If I'm in any longer? Hell, I might as well make a career out of it, I'd be half-done after ten years; ha, if I'm lucky I could retire just after hitting 40 years of age. Now some of you who know me, and some who don't, will probably disagree with my decision, and you have every right to think I'm making the wrong decision. But I at least hope you can all understand why I'm doing what I'm doing and that I'm making this choice based on my own beliefs. All I'm asking for is support for the decision because as of right now, I don't have very much. I've been called an idiot to my face by multiple people and I've been lectured by many more. I'll be doing it regardless, but it'd be nice to know that my choice is at least respected and that I'm not failing everyone's expectations of me.

Anyways, it is currently 0630 here. See? SEE? Insomnia. I'm not even tired right now, my wrists are just insanely sore from typing a novel for you to read. If you made it this far, I'm impressed!...impressed that you actually were intrigued enough to read this far! Shoots!

Aloha,

~Nick

Okay, so I lied...

And I feel horrible about it. I haven't updated yet! I have an alibi...well, an excuse, really. I moved the bookmark for Blogger to a different section during Finals week so I wouldn't notice it and be tempted with yet another procrastination method. And it seems in the chaos of that week, I totally forgot about it and my blog as a whole.

It's been a busy summer, much busier than I expected it to be, but it's been fun-filled. I will update soon, following my fishing adventures, which have been extremely lacking since I've been back.

I shall return.

~Nick

That big boat home...

Yes, it is the end of finals week. But still one more test left, so I gotta stay focused. After that, have to sell my books back, find a storage place, pack everything up, and square away it all. So, until I'm back in Minnesota, the update will be delayed. It's been a long damn while since I've had time to think and be able to update. Needless to say, a lot of it will be about friends, school, life, and belief.

~Nick

Epic...

FAIL! Wow, is it just me or has anyone else reading this noticed that whenever I post, it's when I'm pulling an all-nighter? Yeah, I just pulled another one and I have another 12 hours left in my 33 hour "shift". So, yeah, if I have time (or the capacity to remember) later tonight, I'll update. There is a super long, super epic posting that the Internet needs from me ASAFP. If not tonight, sometime this week. And I'm going to be smart this time and acknowledge the fact that it might not go as planned. Stay tuned: same bad time, same bad channel.

~Nick

Oops...

Forgot to post 2 weeks ago like I planned. Which makes it more than a month since I was last on this blog. Well, to make this brief, spring break is over and done with. We are now onto more exciting college adventures of sleep deprivation and caffeine overdoses. Maybe we'll throw some extracurricular stuff in there, just for a change of pace. Anyways, I had to pull an all nighter to get back on my regular sleep schedule, so I have another 17 hours to suffer through before I can sleep again (been at it for 14 already; almost half-way done!). Therefore, I promise the next post will be up sometime this week. 

OZ 'til the day I die, bitches!

~Nick

This Moment...

...is what I'm currently listening to. It's a single by Disturbed, they wrote it for Transformers. It's pretty good, actually, definitely one of my more favored songs. It's not a super heavy style like Stricken or Indestructible, but it's definitely within their Prayer or Remember styles.

Anyways, it's been a long while since I've updated. Like, two weeks? Maybe more? Yeah, I'd like to apologize for that. I've had a combination of one of my best friends visiting out here for two weeks and very hellish midterms week that totally kicked my ass. Basically, my friend came out on Sunday and we had Monday off, but that was also midterms week and my professors thought it might be funny if they gave us presentations, worksheets, and papers on top of our midterm studying. And since my friend was out here, naturally, I put it all off until the night before. So from Tuesday at noon until Saturday at 3 am, I slept once for 3 hours. 31 hours, 3 hours of sleep, and another 53 hours of work. Needless to say, I was a little crazy by the end of it. But on the bright side, I finished all of my studying and work and actually did pretty well on most of it, so I can't complain too much. 

So, Rush went well. We pledged 8 guys and as a Pledge Educator and as a brother, I'm really excited to see a group like this. Even though their number isn't high, they are all very enthusiastic, smart, and they get along well with each other and with the rest of the brothers. I'm stoked that we've got a good, solid group of pledges to teach what it means to be a Kappa Sigma, because I know these guys will be able to take up those leadership positions and grow to become better men. It's an awesome thing.

So, updates:

Women: could be doing better, but could be doing worse. Just kind of going with things and being patient. I'm not too sure of what I'm doing, so I guess I'd better get on top of that before I do something stupid. Or say something stupid.

School: It can suck my dick. Just puttin' that out there. I love learning, I love being taught things, I love studying and reading...I hate homework. There's better things to do than sit in your room or at the library and spend hours working on something that only teaches you one math problem or one historical event or one biological process. The education system needs some restructuring, in my opinion. But classes are good, professors are good, I'm staying on top of my shit and gettin' work done.

Friends: Dunno. Same old. We hang out and do random stuff all the time.

Hobbies: Well, I'm back to the blogging. Still listening to music 24/7. Still leisure reading, if I have time. Gettin' slowly back into the working out; it's tough once you've been out of the game for a while.

I guess there's nothing really too big to write about. I think if things are pretty mellow like this, I should just start writing about history or political science, current events, religion, philosophy...something to keep my mind working. 

Anyways, updates to follow. Soon. Don't quote me on that.

OZ till the day I die, bitches!

~Nick

Just Like You Imagined...

Well, here I am. It is, indeed, a week later. And some absolutely wonderful things have been happening. That "wonderful" is both true and false.

So, pretty much, I've been having a really wonderful and really shibby week. We'll start off with the shibby stuff.

Well, this week has been full of disappointments. Stuff has been going on with my best friend and has resulted in my abandoning him...somehow. Apparently, I've forced his hand and he's holding me responsible for his decisions. Uh-huh. That makes perfect sense. It's happened before where he's tried to control me and what I do, and as soon as I make a stand against what he says, I'm his enemy. Right. Perfect sense right? Evidently, the fact that I'm super busy and focusing on school doesn't mean jack shit to him; I HAVE to do this with him, or we HAVE to do that together. Or I NEED to go over to his place, just because he's bored while he's at his dorm. Fuck that. If I'm busy, or just plain don't want to go there, then it just doesn't happen. God forbid that I have a life that is outside of his control. Oh no, that just can't be! Anyways, seriously: I have things to do and a lot of those things constitute my daily life. And my daily life doesn't always include him...and I guess that's a problem for him. It's his choice that he took a job that takes up a lot of his time. It's his choice to make a daily schedule that conflicts with mine. It's his choice that he wants to hang out at midnight and make me walk to hang out with him when I have class or other things to do the next and I want to sleep. Oh my God, I'm making my own decisions? And he doesn't have a say? GASP! Someone's outside of his nice, naive little world of comfort. Somethings not right and it makes him vulnerable. I mean, seriously, I understand that you like to be in control. Who doesn't? Hell, I like to be in control of my life and the decisions I make. But you (I'm using you to include the 7 billion people in the world...or whatever the number currently is) can't force your control on other people. No one has that kind of authority. Sometimes people or events or things are out of your control. And you can't force your way back into the fold to have a say in the matter. Things just happen. That's life. The only thing a man can do is be in control of himself. "Be master of mind, not mastered by mind." If you can have power of yourself, to look outside of what you want and see what's happening, you might not like it, but you can understand it. And if you can understand something, maybe you'll be okay with. At the very least, you'll figure out how to deal with it. And that's the maturity factor. You can't make your decisions and hold others accountable for how things turn out. You have to make your choices, and make them smart. And later, don't hold anyone accountable except yourself. Don't kick yourself for making what might be the wrong decision, and don't take it out on those closest to you. Be the better man.

As for other shit, I've been stressed from the last week of rush. Getting behind on homework, busy with events and trying to catch up. Lack of sleep. It's just not been a good week.

On the bright side...I can't talk about it yet. I know: I said I would let you in on my new view on what was in the post about two weeks ago. Needless to say, it's not the most optimistic...but it's definitely not the down side either.

On that note, pledge ceremony and dinner were phenomenal. Overall, a great, kickass time spent with new pledges and brothers, current and grads. 

Another post soon...not saying when...but soon...

OZ till the day I die, bitches!

~Nick

The Thick of It...

We're sure in the middle of it now. Spring Rush 2009 has been hectic, lots of stuff to do and places to be. Rush is still going on, so I'll be updating probably in a week or so. 

But definitely some new thoughts on my last post, and a new outlook on it all.

Stay tuned after this commercial break.

...

Learn to Fly..

Okay, so, I have been neglecting this blog. Which seems to happen with every blog I seem to create on here. In response to this revelation, I'm writing another entry. There's been some big developments lately.

First off, winter break. It was pretty fucking shwag. I'm not even kidding. I mean, it was great to see high school friends and drive a car around, but it was still pretty shitty. I guess I'm just really over Minnesota. What I'm really over is the bullshit. My two best friends have girlfriends and I really don't. Now, this doesn't bother me (it never has before) but it's still kind of an obstacle when I want to hang out and don't have a lot of time that I'm back home. It isn't too big of a deal, it's just that I want to make the most of my time being with friends instead of sitting on my ass at my house. It's just outright boring. I mean, going out and driving around to clear my head is fine and dandy, but I have to pay for the gas and with the usual Minnesota winter conditions, driving aimlessly while distracted isn't the best idea in the world. However, on the bright side, it was awesome to see the friends that I have, in a sense, left behind. Despite that all of our lives are very different and that we ourselves are inherently very different people, we still get along very well and we can still have times like the good old days (what, am I 50 years old now? )

Secondly, United States Marine Corps. Here's where my dream gets a bit shattered. I've always wanted to serve in the military. I have a personal sense of duty to the ideals I hold to and to protect the people I love. And there was no better way, I believe, to do that than to become a United States Marine. It is a worthy challenge, one that would force me to adapt, physically and mentally, to persevere and overcome any obstacles thrown my way. My plan was to do my boot camp this summer of 2009, serve in the MC Reserves through school, finish my PLC (Platoon Leader's Course) during the summer of 2010, and finish up in the reserves during my senior year. Once I graduated, I would be getting a commission as a 2nd Lieutenant and I would finish up whatever training I had left and then go off to make trouble for the world. This plan, though laid out only a short while ago, had quickly become my dream. Unfortunately, because I have been diagnosed with clinical depression (though it was years ago), it has barred me from becoming an officer. Apparently, I can still serve...but as an enlisted Marine. I can't be an officer. I guess being emotionally unstable is something they don't like present in their officers, which is perfectly understandable. But after being shown such a great plan and a way to follow through on my dream, I am subsequently told that it is impossible. How fucking wonderful is that? So now, I still plan to serve in the Marine Corps. I still plan to serve and protect. But this is has been a huge setback and has caused me a world of hurt. Anyone reading this who has had their dreams shot to shit will understand how fucking awesome it is. Shwaggity shwag shwag.

Thirdly, women. Seriously. I understand the concept of "great things come to those who wait", but seriously. In high school, it really didn't bother me too much. Freshman year of college, it still didn't really matter, since I was busy adjusting to being 4,000 miles away from everything I'd ever known. But now I've settled down, created a great world for myself, and I'm actively looking for a relationship. This is partly because with a lot of my friends in relationships that I feel like I'm somewhat alone, but mostly it's because I finally feel ready. I feel ready to not only find the time for a relationship, but also to put 110% of my being into one. And now that I'm at this stage, I feel really, really....lost? Not really. Alone isn't quite the word I'm looking for either. Frustration comes to mind. Anxiety. It's just that while I was so busy helping people with their relationships, keeping up with how their relationships were, I completely bypassed myself and what I wanted. And it's almost beyond a want now. It's almost a need. I need this companionship, this special connection to someone. I know it's cliche, but I feel a hollowness in my heart. An empty shell. I've taken to keeping a passive lookout for the right girl and I've found a couple hopefuls that have captured my attention, but those have either turned up as a dead end, or it wasn't quite the relationship I was looking for. But thinking about it now, I'm not sure really what I want in a girl. I have an idea, but nothing super concrete. Nothing solid. So, I guess I'm confused about whether I should figure out who I'm looking for, or if I should try to find it through trial and error with different girls as they go in and out of my life. So that's up in the air. 

And now I come to the big problem. Every college student (well, most of them) will agree that regardless of what we want to do- have fun, party, hang out, travel- we have things we need to do. Under those need-to-do's are our readings, homework, and tests. Seeing as how my GPA this last semester wasn't outstanding...that's a lie, it was downright horrid...I've decided to set a goal of a 4.0 for this semester. Not only will this raise my cumulative GPA a lot, but it will allow me to prove to myself that I can sacrifice my wants for what I need. And what I need to happen is for me to make the grade. I need to go above and beyond. What is required to make this work? Less fun. Less parties. More of being locked in my room, studying and reading beyond the materials assigned, working ahead to get things out of the way. I have two intro level courses: German and Political Science. Neither one will take too much time; it's mostly busy work and my Poli Sci class doesn't have any midterms or tests (super shoots on that!). But my main concern, in terms of classes, are my two history courses. They are higher-echelon courses and, being history, they require a lot of time to make connections between people and events, to know the facts in order to make theories that can be proven, and to just plain read the number of books assigned, of which there is a fair amount of them. The problem with my classes is that I will have a lot of busy work to do with Poli Sci and German, and I will have to put in a lot of time for the two history courses (oh yeah, they are Civil War Era and America 1920-1950). On of these classes, I have two positions within Kappa Sigma that I have obligations to, both of which will require some time and effort to be placed in them. I'm not extremely busy, but it is a fair amount to deal with. My goal of a 4.0 will require me to be on top of my shit constantly. One slip up, one mistake and I could be set back quite a bit, if it happens at the wrong time, at the wrong place. I'm not so much stressed as I am worried. I'm worried that even if I stay on task and do my best, that it's not going to be good enough.

It has always seemed to me that my best is always second-best in the big picture. I'm pretty competitive, but only enough to the point that I give 110% and know that I did my best. I'm happy with that. But what is driving me nuts is the fact that I'm bothered that I won't be happy with anything less than complete and total victory of accomplishing my goal. It's a fear. I'm not one to cringe from fear and let fear dominate me, hence "be master of mind, not mastered by mind." But I am afraid...and I can't shake the unyielding fear of failing. I have a fear of failure. But I'm afraid of success too, because of the pressure that it brings with it: the desire to always succeed and the arrogance that comes with knowing that you've accomplished something great for yourself. I've never felt a fear that has created a paradox for me, one where I am afraid of success but also of failure. I don't want to go back, but I really don't want to go forward either. I'm at a standstill and if there's one thing I hate, it's complacency. And I'm being totally complacent. I'm letting things slide, not staying on task and losing my focus, something I can't afford right now; it's placing my goals in jeopardy of failing miserably. So, at the moment, I'm not quite sure what's going to happen.

It really feels to me that nearly everything in my life is up in the air. As my best friend likes to say, "it will make or break me." And it's so very true. I'm hopeful that things will at least work out decently well, but in the event that they don't, I need to be prepared with a game plan, some kind of strategy. The problem: I don't have one. And I haven't been able to figure one out either. I've been very, very frustrated with myself lately. Super stressed. I suppose it's not because things aren't going right, it's because I don't know what to make of it all or how to recover from it. Maybe it's just something that I need to grow from? One of those things that you have to experience, the kind that gives life experience and knowledge. Wisdom. Lately, I've been turning and relying heavily on the morals, ethics, and beliefs that Kappa Sigma represents and I have, indeed, been finding comfort in them, but also a conflict. It's not a conflict between myself and what Kappa Sigma stands for, but within me. My mind. And it's tearing me apart.

It's a shatterpoint. Got that from a book. It's one of those points in life where life is out of your control and you need to regain that power over yourself, but the way you do it can, as I stated earlier, make you or break you. It's the turning point and it can go either way, or in one of many directions. I guess that's what I'm waiting on myself for. An answer for all the questions. Waiting for myself to finally regain control first of me, then my life.

OZ till the day I die, bitches!
~Nick

I'm late, I'm late,,,

For a very important date. You guys. Yeah, you!
Again, my apologies on falling behind with blogging. But, good news! I have fallen into a good groove for school and all the work I'm doing with Kappa Sigma Fraternity (by the way, it's spring rush, you all should check and see if your campus has a chapter! RUSH KAPPA SIGMA FRATERNITY).
Okay, so, since I have a good rhythm and time-management set down, I'm going to be blogging more frequently (I promise). I know, I promised the last like, three or four times I posted, but really, I was super busy. And who blogs about going home for Winter Break anyways? Going home is super shwag. Boring, nothing to do, you sit on your ass all day and play video games and eat junk food. Awesome.
Anyways, I am going to take a shower, finish things up that I have to do today, and I will be updating you all soon.

OZ till the day I die, bitches!

~Nick.

...And then that big boat home...

Okay, so, since I'm still finishing up packing and I have 6 hours until my flight leaves, I'm updating you. Since it has also been about a month from my last update, obviously there's a lot I want to put down on this blog. So, naturally, you're going to have wait. Patience. It's not a virtue...more like a job, an annoying one that you get excited about doing but hate it when you have to. So, please hold on to your panties for a little longer. Let me get settled back in my dorm and unpack and I'll let you in on some dirty little secrets.
Not really.