The Thing About Family...

...is that you're supposed to actually belong to one. You're supposed to be able to go home, feel safe, secure. If you have problems and need help you don't hesitate to trust your parents or your siblings. "Home is where the heart is."

Well, somewhere along the line, I guess I went wrong. Or someone else in the family did. Or we all did. Whatever it is, I'm fucking done with the bullshit. I'm moving on in my life. I'm not going to sit around and wait for everyone to get with the fucking program. The system is simple enough: you don't dig around in my life, I don't dig around in yours. Except that it always happens. And I have spent the last 10 years fighting it. And I'm fucking done. I've tried to be the good son, the caring brother. Apparently I'm either not wanted or nobody gives a damn. I've done my best to patch up relationships and work towards something stronger, something better. Again, it's either not wanted or nobody gives a damn.

The point is that this is what family means to me. A bunch of bullshitting and bickering, lies and hidden agendas. I'm tired of everyone in the family trying to keep things a certain way, instead of letting them change. Since when is change a negative thing? I've tried to be optimistic, but those thoughts get shut down in a hurry. My friends, peers, acquaintances, they all wonder why I have such problems relating to people. Getting close to people. Letting down my walls. Part of it is that I've been hurt in the past (if you know me, you know what I'm talking about). But another big part is that I just don't trust anyone who is close to me. I trust a stranger on the street more than some people close to me, because that stranger just leaves me alone. And anyone who says "oh, being alone isn't good for you" can piss off. I'm used to being the one against the world. And who's to say I don't enjoy it? Hell, if I'm going to fight against it all, if it's my only option, then I might as well enjoy it.

You all think I'm crazy and antisocial, a jackass and a bastard. But, all of you seem crazy to me. It drives me insane trying to figure out how you all function. How you think, act, and speak. Because I'm well aware that I'm far from the average human being, but still close enough to know that I'm thinking a little different. People ask me questions, invite me out, try to talk to me, and I spurn them all. Repeatedly. And you know what? All you're doing is pushing me further and further away. I'm pushing you further and further away at the same time. Why? Because that's my reaction to people who are family. The people I am closest with are the people who are okay with me keeping them at arms length away. And I look at that, and I can acknowledge that it's sad. It's sad that's how I have to function in this world. But I've never known any other way of living.

I could sit here and blame my parents for all of this. Or it could be my independent nature. My instinct at disobeying, proving wrong, holding out against. I think mostly that everyone around me wanted me to show them who I was, instead of looking for themselves. There's a lot you can learn by just being around someone for years. And I am who I came to be. And apparently that's still a problem. Apparently, I'm still either unwanted, or nobody gives a damn what I have to say. So, since I'm not part of the family, then I have no qualms about not respecting them. Until they can see for themselves instead of having me point out every goddamn thing to them, I'm done. I am fucking done.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have many beers to go down in record time.

~Nick

Trip and....

SPLAT.

Shit came up. Family stuff. I will post what I can, when I can. Might be a bit.

~Nick

...ooooooOOOOOO

OOOOOOoooooo......

Figured I might change the title format up a bit. Hope you don't mind; it won't happen again, I promise.

Short update today. Tomorrow is, as most of America's youth of my generation know already, the release of Final Fantasy XIII. I've been waiting a good long time for this latest installment. It has been reserved and, in actuality, ignored in the last three weeks since I put a payment on it. I guess I just had other things going on. Anyways, I was thinking about it this past weekend, and I realized Tuesday was practically right around the corner. And now Monday has arrived, and what a poor example of a day it is! Woke up early, sat around, ate a late brunch, and now I'm sitting here taking a break from my five-page essay after writing a single page. One! I just can't focus, my mind keeps floating back to my music and thoughts of how awesome this game will be. Call me a nerd, but hey, I love gaming, and the Final Fantasy series happens to be one of my favorites. Think of 'em like interactive stories and movies. They've got better characters and plots than most films out there, trust me. Anyways, to sum up, I feel like a little kid on Christmas morning: groggy, stumbling, and suddenly realizing that there are presents downstairs under the tree...in my case, it's downhill at mall.

I'll probably write my own review for a first reaction to the game on my next post.

~Nick

Metal owns...

...my heart and soul. Seriously. Love, love, love metal. I am a metalhead. Headbanger. And damn proud of it!

Took a hiatus from listening to music, and metal specifically, so as to open my mind back up to other types of music. But this whole last weekend and this whole week I have been listening (blasting, rather) to the metal. It's a great feeling of nostalgia and a bit home-sweet-home. The best part is that after having taken a fairly long break from regularly listening to it, I found a new appreciation for it, as well as appreciation and a likeness for new songs that I maybe didn't give a second chance or hadn't bothered to listen to.

I think there's a possibility I have an ulcer. Probably peptic. Got diagnosed by one of friends, although she used WebMD, so I'm not sure of the validity of the diagnosis. But, the pain I'm feeling fits more than half the symptoms and the typical causes are -- surprise, surprise -- my habits. Smoked for the first time after a month and a half off because I was drinking a lot this weekend. And now I decided I'm off both for the foreseeable future, until the stomach pains either go away or they get worse. I figured since a symptom of them is vomiting and I hate going to the doc's office and hospitals, I'm not going in to get it checked out until I show one of the severe symptoms, AKA- constant nausea and dizziness, vomiting blood, or a combination of the two. It doesn't seem that bad to me because I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but I'm starting to think (not worry) about it since it's been gradually getting more intense over the last 6 or 7 days. Oh well. It'll either go away, or it won't. Not much I can really do now...well, that I want to do. Anyways, that's enough about that.

Shit has hit the fan in more ways than one, but time has, for me, almost always been the best solution to a problem. This is no exception. I wouldn't be much of the man I said I would be and strive to be if I didn't take a step back right now, be patient and smart about it all, and not get ahead of myself.

"He must be a gentlemen...a man of honor and courage...a man of zeal, yet humble...an intelligent man...a man of truth...one who tempers action with wisdom."

The most important section of one of the most important things to me. I do my best to live by this. But I'm not perfect. Sometimes I lose myself in a situation. Sometimes I lose sight of what it all means. Sometimes, I am simply everything it is not. But I do my best. I don't believe I can hold myself to a higher standard than doing my best at what I'm aiming to do. I guess it's all about balance. The harmony of it all, gathered into yourself, to become a better man. That's the goal. That's what I aim for. I see it, but I don't believe I'm quite there yet. Won't be for a long time.

Well, that's enough philosophy for now. Considering this entry is being written directly after a philosophy essay was just written, it's both understandable and starting to get a little intolerable. Anyways, I bid thee all farewell.

~Nick