Sooo...

....Spring Break was fun. Went out with some fraternity brothers, wandered around town, got drunk. It was a good time.

After it was over, I decided to quit alcohol and smoking. Cold turkey. Yeah, so I'm in a pretty horrible mood right now, and have been for the last few days. The smoking I can handle (I'm still dipping, but less). The drinking was awesome because instead of relieving short-term stress, it just let me forget about the rest of the day. And it helped me forget some other things in my past I'd rather not think about on the day-to-day. Regardless of why I committed to alcoholism, the point is that it's time to stop before it gets really bad. I've got plans ahead of me and they don't have any room for problems like that. So, I have listened to the friends who have told me to stop because they're right - it's unhealthy, it's dangerous, and it's not something I want to have to deal with in the future.

So, that's where I'm at. Twitching is not fun. Just sayin'

~Nick

The Thing About Family...

...is that you're supposed to actually belong to one. You're supposed to be able to go home, feel safe, secure. If you have problems and need help you don't hesitate to trust your parents or your siblings. "Home is where the heart is."

Well, somewhere along the line, I guess I went wrong. Or someone else in the family did. Or we all did. Whatever it is, I'm fucking done with the bullshit. I'm moving on in my life. I'm not going to sit around and wait for everyone to get with the fucking program. The system is simple enough: you don't dig around in my life, I don't dig around in yours. Except that it always happens. And I have spent the last 10 years fighting it. And I'm fucking done. I've tried to be the good son, the caring brother. Apparently I'm either not wanted or nobody gives a damn. I've done my best to patch up relationships and work towards something stronger, something better. Again, it's either not wanted or nobody gives a damn.

The point is that this is what family means to me. A bunch of bullshitting and bickering, lies and hidden agendas. I'm tired of everyone in the family trying to keep things a certain way, instead of letting them change. Since when is change a negative thing? I've tried to be optimistic, but those thoughts get shut down in a hurry. My friends, peers, acquaintances, they all wonder why I have such problems relating to people. Getting close to people. Letting down my walls. Part of it is that I've been hurt in the past (if you know me, you know what I'm talking about). But another big part is that I just don't trust anyone who is close to me. I trust a stranger on the street more than some people close to me, because that stranger just leaves me alone. And anyone who says "oh, being alone isn't good for you" can piss off. I'm used to being the one against the world. And who's to say I don't enjoy it? Hell, if I'm going to fight against it all, if it's my only option, then I might as well enjoy it.

You all think I'm crazy and antisocial, a jackass and a bastard. But, all of you seem crazy to me. It drives me insane trying to figure out how you all function. How you think, act, and speak. Because I'm well aware that I'm far from the average human being, but still close enough to know that I'm thinking a little different. People ask me questions, invite me out, try to talk to me, and I spurn them all. Repeatedly. And you know what? All you're doing is pushing me further and further away. I'm pushing you further and further away at the same time. Why? Because that's my reaction to people who are family. The people I am closest with are the people who are okay with me keeping them at arms length away. And I look at that, and I can acknowledge that it's sad. It's sad that's how I have to function in this world. But I've never known any other way of living.

I could sit here and blame my parents for all of this. Or it could be my independent nature. My instinct at disobeying, proving wrong, holding out against. I think mostly that everyone around me wanted me to show them who I was, instead of looking for themselves. There's a lot you can learn by just being around someone for years. And I am who I came to be. And apparently that's still a problem. Apparently, I'm still either unwanted, or nobody gives a damn what I have to say. So, since I'm not part of the family, then I have no qualms about not respecting them. Until they can see for themselves instead of having me point out every goddamn thing to them, I'm done. I am fucking done.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have many beers to go down in record time.

~Nick

Trip and....

SPLAT.

Shit came up. Family stuff. I will post what I can, when I can. Might be a bit.

~Nick

...ooooooOOOOOO

OOOOOOoooooo......

Figured I might change the title format up a bit. Hope you don't mind; it won't happen again, I promise.

Short update today. Tomorrow is, as most of America's youth of my generation know already, the release of Final Fantasy XIII. I've been waiting a good long time for this latest installment. It has been reserved and, in actuality, ignored in the last three weeks since I put a payment on it. I guess I just had other things going on. Anyways, I was thinking about it this past weekend, and I realized Tuesday was practically right around the corner. And now Monday has arrived, and what a poor example of a day it is! Woke up early, sat around, ate a late brunch, and now I'm sitting here taking a break from my five-page essay after writing a single page. One! I just can't focus, my mind keeps floating back to my music and thoughts of how awesome this game will be. Call me a nerd, but hey, I love gaming, and the Final Fantasy series happens to be one of my favorites. Think of 'em like interactive stories and movies. They've got better characters and plots than most films out there, trust me. Anyways, to sum up, I feel like a little kid on Christmas morning: groggy, stumbling, and suddenly realizing that there are presents downstairs under the tree...in my case, it's downhill at mall.

I'll probably write my own review for a first reaction to the game on my next post.

~Nick

Metal owns...

...my heart and soul. Seriously. Love, love, love metal. I am a metalhead. Headbanger. And damn proud of it!

Took a hiatus from listening to music, and metal specifically, so as to open my mind back up to other types of music. But this whole last weekend and this whole week I have been listening (blasting, rather) to the metal. It's a great feeling of nostalgia and a bit home-sweet-home. The best part is that after having taken a fairly long break from regularly listening to it, I found a new appreciation for it, as well as appreciation and a likeness for new songs that I maybe didn't give a second chance or hadn't bothered to listen to.

I think there's a possibility I have an ulcer. Probably peptic. Got diagnosed by one of friends, although she used WebMD, so I'm not sure of the validity of the diagnosis. But, the pain I'm feeling fits more than half the symptoms and the typical causes are -- surprise, surprise -- my habits. Smoked for the first time after a month and a half off because I was drinking a lot this weekend. And now I decided I'm off both for the foreseeable future, until the stomach pains either go away or they get worse. I figured since a symptom of them is vomiting and I hate going to the doc's office and hospitals, I'm not going in to get it checked out until I show one of the severe symptoms, AKA- constant nausea and dizziness, vomiting blood, or a combination of the two. It doesn't seem that bad to me because I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but I'm starting to think (not worry) about it since it's been gradually getting more intense over the last 6 or 7 days. Oh well. It'll either go away, or it won't. Not much I can really do now...well, that I want to do. Anyways, that's enough about that.

Shit has hit the fan in more ways than one, but time has, for me, almost always been the best solution to a problem. This is no exception. I wouldn't be much of the man I said I would be and strive to be if I didn't take a step back right now, be patient and smart about it all, and not get ahead of myself.

"He must be a gentlemen...a man of honor and courage...a man of zeal, yet humble...an intelligent man...a man of truth...one who tempers action with wisdom."

The most important section of one of the most important things to me. I do my best to live by this. But I'm not perfect. Sometimes I lose myself in a situation. Sometimes I lose sight of what it all means. Sometimes, I am simply everything it is not. But I do my best. I don't believe I can hold myself to a higher standard than doing my best at what I'm aiming to do. I guess it's all about balance. The harmony of it all, gathered into yourself, to become a better man. That's the goal. That's what I aim for. I see it, but I don't believe I'm quite there yet. Won't be for a long time.

Well, that's enough philosophy for now. Considering this entry is being written directly after a philosophy essay was just written, it's both understandable and starting to get a little intolerable. Anyways, I bid thee all farewell.

~Nick

Blargh...

...I am an alien. Not really, I just like to think I am sometimes. Always been a nerd and damn proud of it.

Okeeeee, so. The rundown for this week is that there isn't one. Just been a really fast week, with not a lot in it. Seriously. Usually, you think, weeks go by slow with a whole lotta nothing in them. Then there's weeks that you don't even know went past you because you were so incredibly busy. Well, this is the other side of the fence of normality, or rather, typical reality. It's been a very, very fast week and I have done nothing important or worthwhile for anything or anyone. And the fact that I haven't even noticed the time flow of the days isn't helping my case. I guess it just happens. But, I'm getting back to it, and well, here I am. Updating you.

So far there's 2 followers and I'm not sure how much they even check in. As for random people happening across this, welcome to my world. You can sit a spell, or you can move on to the rest of your life. As always, it's up to you.

Anyways, there might not be another update for a while, since I've got a test tomorrow to study for, with an essay to write and reading to catch up on in the forecast for the weekend. Looks like a potential shitstorm for a Friday night beerfest. Or not.

~Nick

A Brand New Title...

...has been awarded to me. Now, I've been called many things by many people, among them a plethora of curse words, negative adjectives, or any combination of the two. I've heard some compliments and I generally take them with a grain of salt. I don't know if it's just because I'm trying to be modest and humble, or if I don't believe them. Usually, kind words about myself are met with embarrassment and a bit of self-loathing. Guess I just don't like the attention. But last night, I was told by someone I had just met and hadn't known for longer than an hour that I was a "decent" person.

Decent. Adjective. 1) conforming with generally accepted standards of respectable and moral behavior; of an acceptable standard; satisfactory.

So what does this mean? It's pretty self-explanatory, really. The definition is right there. There's nothing particularly overrating the person in question. And it's not really saying that the person is bad.

I was quite taken aback by what she had described me as. A decent man. A decent person. A decent human being. In all my time searching for the right way to understand myself in a simplified form, has it finally been so blatantly placed right in front of me? Decent. But what does this mean to me?

Decent. I guess the first thing that comes to mind is not good, not bad, just acceptable. Just okay. The average. I've been searching and attempting to be what I believe to be every person to be, the average. That's the idealist in me. Maybe I've succeeded. Maybe I've become what I wanted to be. Or maybe this is just one rest stop on the road through life. I think I'll go with that.

All that aside, this is the first time I have been okay with someone's description of me. It's an odd feeling, realizing that decent is what I am. Average. Just okay. Acceptable. Representative of the standards. My standards.

Decency and acceptability. I like it.

~Nick

*DING*...

...You've got a revelation! Holy crap, I have updated this blog four times in just over a week. How impressive is that? I'm organizing my time. In addition, I have rediscovered the joy and stress release that writing gives me. It's quite wonderful to just turn on some good music, start a new post, and just write away. Helps sort out all of the shit that stacks up. I'm thinking I should do my best to make this a regular thing. At the very least, I can make a weekly update.

Along with writing journal/diary style, I have rediscovered my passion for written works. I'm not talking about my usual military history books. I'm speaking of classic literature, philosophical works, religious texts, various poetry of all kinds. It's been a thrill this weekend to have enlightened myself with some pretty epic stuff. It's a really crazy thing for me, since I haven't cared about anything remotely close to my interests and passions. Music and writings are making a comeback, as well as an unyielding urge to go out and enjoy nature, in my own way. To clarify, that would mean fishing. I guess I just have to wait on that last one.

Kind of a short post, but I was super stoked about finding my long lost loves, if you will.

Oh, three day weekend is over. Shwag. But lab got canceled for Wednesday, so it's one less TA that I have to deal with.

Aloha,

~Nick

Tomorrow is...

...a Sunday. Not just any Sunday. Tomorrow is February 14, 2010. That, my friends, means Valentine's Day. However, seeing as how I'm just not feeling the love, I'm bringing back (in my own mind) Singles Awareness Day on February 14.

For any of you who are idiots, Valentine's Day is a special day of the year for couples to show their affection. The day is supposed to celebrate love for that special someone in your life. Now this just may be me, but I'm confused on whether every other day of the year is for people who aren't coupled. Or should we celebrate love in general? Again, this may just be me, but I think a lot of people would have problems with stalkers and obsessors. Don't worry, they're just celebrating love in their own creepifying way. I digress.

Singles Awareness Day. A day to be aware of those who are single. Self-explanatory. I suppose there really isn't one set goal for SAD. There is no societally-declared objective. However, -

Side note: SAD. Sad. Single = Sad. No, wrong equation. Don't think you're clever for making that connection. You're just an idiot if you are amused by it.

*ahem*

...I believe it is a great chance for people who are single to get out there, meet someone new or maybe reconnect with an past love interest, or pursue their current interests. Who knows? Maybe it will lead somewhere, and maybe it won't, but the ultimate idea behind it all is that just because couples have a special day all to themselves doesn't mean they are privileged to be the only ones to celebrate being in love. I'm getting pretty tired of reading facebook bullshit and hearing from people about how they hate Valentine's Day because it's "a couples' day" or "I don't have anyone special, waaaah." I'm saying, couples are in love and they should celebrated, but those who are single shouldn't be discouraged simply because it's supposed to be a couples' day. Just don't go hating on couples, that's stupid. They're happy and instead of wasting your time bitching and moaning about how you're so miserable, why don't you go out and find that special someone? Or maybe you could just go out and celebrate being single. It has it's perks; you know it, I know it, we all know it. And that's what I'm going to go out and do tomorrow. I am going to celebrate being single and, hell, maybe I'll just happen to talk to the right gal.

My last message regarding Valentine's Day/Singles Awareness day is addressed to all the couples out there. It's fantastic that you are in a relationship. Go ahead, celebrate. Just be courteous to the public eye. The day is about the two of you celebrating your love for each other; no one else needs to know. It's a private matter. So please, do not commit overzealous PDA. No one wants to see a couple going at it in the mall parking lot. And to all the guys out there, don't go parading your girl or wife around to everyone. Unless you really want to be an elitist, sexist, self-centered bastard, don't go treating a woman like that or you may find yourself quite lonely the rest of Valentine's Day, let alone the rest of your life.

Okay, so this whole bit was a bit random. And in writing it, I've noticed that I was kind of all over the place. But my reasoning is simple: I have laundry almost done and dinner to attend with a friend. Yeah. You all totally thought I was fretting about tomorrow. Nah. I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here, cause I ain't stopping it and it ain't getting here any faster.

Tomorrow, celebrate February 14th in whatever way makes you happy. But for one day, think of making someone else happy with you.

Happy Valentine's / Singles Awareness Day!

~Nick

We define gravity...

...as that which pulls our mass towards Earth. Also, that which makes us shorter. Which is what this post will be.

I am not feeling well. I feel like if I take a shit my intestines will explode or if I don't take a shit my intestines will still explode. Maybe I'm just constipated, maybe I have the runs really bad, or maybe it's any number of things. Whatever it is, I don't care, I just decided I'm going to take a shit after this post. Sorry if that's a little graphic for you, but I guarantee you have seen much worse on the internet, especially if you're reading blogs. Therefore, I feel less guilty about taking advantage of your stupidity.

Besides feeling like shit (pun completely intended), I missed class today. I woke up at 1515. Kind of neat, since that's never happened to me before, but that's not the point. The point is that I missed class. Just when I was on a roll to getting back to where I want and need to be. Ah, well, I guess we all hit some kind of barrier when we are ambitious and maybe a bit obsessed with a good idea, in this case, a healthy one.

Anyways, it's been like, 10 minutes and I feel like one of those baby aliens from Alien is going to just burst through my stomach. Yes, nerds, I realize it was the chest cavity that incubated the alien eggs before they hatched. Semantics.

~A sickly Nick.