Well, somewhere along the line, I guess I went wrong. Or someone else in the family did. Or we all did. Whatever it is, I'm fucking done with the bullshit. I'm moving on in my life. I'm not going to sit around and wait for everyone to get with the fucking program. The system is simple enough: you don't dig around in my life, I don't dig around in yours. Except that it always happens. And I have spent the last 10 years fighting it. And I'm fucking done. I've tried to be the good son, the caring brother. Apparently I'm either not wanted or nobody gives a damn. I've done my best to patch up relationships and work towards something stronger, something better. Again, it's either not wanted or nobody gives a damn.
The point is that this is what family means to me. A bunch of bullshitting and bickering, lies and hidden agendas. I'm tired of everyone in the family trying to keep things a certain way, instead of letting them change. Since when is change a negative thing? I've tried to be optimistic, but those thoughts get shut down in a hurry. My friends, peers, acquaintances, they all wonder why I have such problems relating to people. Getting close to people. Letting down my walls. Part of it is that I've been hurt in the past (if you know me, you know what I'm talking about). But another big part is that I just don't trust anyone who is close to me. I trust a stranger on the street more than some people close to me, because that stranger just leaves me alone. And anyone who says "oh, being alone isn't good for you" can piss off. I'm used to being the one against the world. And who's to say I don't enjoy it? Hell, if I'm going to fight against it all, if it's my only option, then I might as well enjoy it.
You all think I'm crazy and antisocial, a jackass and a bastard. But, all of you seem crazy to me. It drives me insane trying to figure out how you all function. How you think, act, and speak. Because I'm well aware that I'm far from the average human being, but still close enough to know that I'm thinking a little different. People ask me questions, invite me out, try to talk to me, and I spurn them all. Repeatedly. And you know what? All you're doing is pushing me further and further away. I'm pushing you further and further away at the same time. Why? Because that's my reaction to people who are family. The people I am closest with are the people who are okay with me keeping them at arms length away. And I look at that, and I can acknowledge that it's sad. It's sad that's how I have to function in this world. But I've never known any other way of living.
I could sit here and blame my parents for all of this. Or it could be my independent nature. My instinct at disobeying, proving wrong, holding out against. I think mostly that everyone around me wanted me to show them who I was, instead of looking for themselves. There's a lot you can learn by just being around someone for years. And I am who I came to be. And apparently that's still a problem. Apparently, I'm still either unwanted, or nobody gives a damn what I have to say. So, since I'm not part of the family, then I have no qualms about not respecting them. Until they can see for themselves instead of having me point out every goddamn thing to them, I'm done. I am fucking done.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have many beers to go down in record time.
~Nick
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