Okay, so, I have been neglecting this blog. Which seems to happen with every blog I seem to create on here. In response to this revelation, I'm writing another entry. There's been some big developments lately.
First off, winter break. It was pretty fucking shwag. I'm not even kidding. I mean, it was great to see high school friends and drive a car around, but it was still pretty shitty. I guess I'm just really over Minnesota. What I'm really over is the bullshit. My two best friends have girlfriends and I really don't. Now, this doesn't bother me (it never has before) but it's still kind of an obstacle when I want to hang out and don't have a lot of time that I'm back home. It isn't too big of a deal, it's just that I want to make the most of my time being with friends instead of sitting on my ass at my house. It's just outright boring. I mean, going out and driving around to clear my head is fine and dandy, but I have to pay for the gas and with the usual Minnesota winter conditions, driving aimlessly while distracted isn't the best idea in the world. However, on the bright side, it was awesome to see the friends that I have, in a sense, left behind. Despite that all of our lives are very different and that we ourselves are inherently very different people, we still get along very well and we can still have times like the good old days (what, am I 50 years old now? )
Secondly, United States Marine Corps. Here's where my dream gets a bit shattered. I've always wanted to serve in the military. I have a personal sense of duty to the ideals I hold to and to protect the people I love. And there was no better way, I believe, to do that than to become a United States Marine. It is a worthy challenge, one that would force me to adapt, physically and mentally, to persevere and overcome any obstacles thrown my way. My plan was to do my boot camp this summer of 2009, serve in the MC Reserves through school, finish my PLC (Platoon Leader's Course) during the summer of 2010, and finish up in the reserves during my senior year. Once I graduated, I would be getting a commission as a 2nd Lieutenant and I would finish up whatever training I had left and then go off to make trouble for the world. This plan, though laid out only a short while ago, had quickly become my dream. Unfortunately, because I have been diagnosed with clinical depression (though it was years ago), it has barred me from becoming an officer. Apparently, I can still serve...but as an enlisted Marine. I can't be an officer. I guess being emotionally unstable is something they don't like present in their officers, which is perfectly understandable. But after being shown such a great plan and a way to follow through on my dream, I am subsequently told that it is impossible. How fucking wonderful is that? So now, I still plan to serve in the Marine Corps. I still plan to serve and protect. But this is has been a huge setback and has caused me a world of hurt. Anyone reading this who has had their dreams shot to shit will understand how fucking awesome it is. Shwaggity shwag shwag.
Thirdly, women. Seriously. I understand the concept of "great things come to those who wait", but seriously. In high school, it really didn't bother me too much. Freshman year of college, it still didn't really matter, since I was busy adjusting to being 4,000 miles away from everything I'd ever known. But now I've settled down, created a great world for myself, and I'm actively looking for a relationship. This is partly because with a lot of my friends in relationships that I feel like I'm somewhat alone, but mostly it's because I finally feel ready. I feel ready to not only find the time for a relationship, but also to put 110% of my being into one. And now that I'm at this stage, I feel really, really....lost? Not really. Alone isn't quite the word I'm looking for either. Frustration comes to mind. Anxiety. It's just that while I was so busy helping people with their relationships, keeping up with how their relationships were, I completely bypassed myself and what I wanted. And it's almost beyond a want now. It's almost a need. I need this companionship, this special connection to someone. I know it's cliche, but I feel a hollowness in my heart. An empty shell. I've taken to keeping a passive lookout for the right girl and I've found a couple hopefuls that have captured my attention, but those have either turned up as a dead end, or it wasn't quite the relationship I was looking for. But thinking about it now, I'm not sure really what I want in a girl. I have an idea, but nothing super concrete. Nothing solid. So, I guess I'm confused about whether I should figure out who I'm looking for, or if I should try to find it through trial and error with different girls as they go in and out of my life. So that's up in the air.
And now I come to the big problem. Every college student (well, most of them) will agree that regardless of what we want to do- have fun, party, hang out, travel- we have things we need to do. Under those need-to-do's are our readings, homework, and tests. Seeing as how my GPA this last semester wasn't outstanding...that's a lie, it was downright horrid...I've decided to set a goal of a 4.0 for this semester. Not only will this raise my cumulative GPA a lot, but it will allow me to prove to myself that I can sacrifice my wants for what I need. And what I need to happen is for me to make the grade. I need to go above and beyond. What is required to make this work? Less fun. Less parties. More of being locked in my room, studying and reading beyond the materials assigned, working ahead to get things out of the way. I have two intro level courses: German and Political Science. Neither one will take too much time; it's mostly busy work and my Poli Sci class doesn't have any midterms or tests (super shoots on that!). But my main concern, in terms of classes, are my two history courses. They are higher-echelon courses and, being history, they require a lot of time to make connections between people and events, to know the facts in order to make theories that can be proven, and to just plain read the number of books assigned, of which there is a fair amount of them. The problem with my classes is that I will have a lot of busy work to do with Poli Sci and German, and I will have to put in a lot of time for the two history courses (oh yeah, they are Civil War Era and America 1920-1950). On of these classes, I have two positions within Kappa Sigma that I have obligations to, both of which will require some time and effort to be placed in them. I'm not extremely busy, but it is a fair amount to deal with. My goal of a 4.0 will require me to be on top of my shit constantly. One slip up, one mistake and I could be set back quite a bit, if it happens at the wrong time, at the wrong place. I'm not so much stressed as I am worried. I'm worried that even if I stay on task and do my best, that it's not going to be good enough.
It has always seemed to me that my best is always second-best in the big picture. I'm pretty competitive, but only enough to the point that I give 110% and know that I did my best. I'm happy with that. But what is driving me nuts is the fact that I'm bothered that I won't be happy with anything less than complete and total victory of accomplishing my goal. It's a fear. I'm not one to cringe from fear and let fear dominate me, hence "be master of mind, not mastered by mind." But I am afraid...and I can't shake the unyielding fear of failing. I have a fear of failure. But I'm afraid of success too, because of the pressure that it brings with it: the desire to always succeed and the arrogance that comes with knowing that you've accomplished something great for yourself. I've never felt a fear that has created a paradox for me, one where I am afraid of success but also of failure. I don't want to go back, but I really don't want to go forward either. I'm at a standstill and if there's one thing I hate, it's complacency. And I'm being totally complacent. I'm letting things slide, not staying on task and losing my focus, something I can't afford right now; it's placing my goals in jeopardy of failing miserably. So, at the moment, I'm not quite sure what's going to happen.
It really feels to me that nearly everything in my life is up in the air. As my best friend likes to say, "it will make or break me." And it's so very true. I'm hopeful that things will at least work out decently well, but in the event that they don't, I need to be prepared with a game plan, some kind of strategy. The problem: I don't have one. And I haven't been able to figure one out either. I've been very, very frustrated with myself lately. Super stressed. I suppose it's not because things aren't going right, it's because I don't know what to make of it all or how to recover from it. Maybe it's just something that I need to grow from? One of those things that you have to experience, the kind that gives life experience and knowledge. Wisdom. Lately, I've been turning and relying heavily on the morals, ethics, and beliefs that Kappa Sigma represents and I have, indeed, been finding comfort in them, but also a conflict. It's not a conflict between myself and what Kappa Sigma stands for, but within me. My mind. And it's tearing me apart.
It's a shatterpoint. Got that from a book. It's one of those points in life where life is out of your control and you need to regain that power over yourself, but the way you do it can, as I stated earlier, make you or break you. It's the turning point and it can go either way, or in one of many directions. I guess that's what I'm waiting on myself for. An answer for all the questions. Waiting for myself to finally regain control first of me, then my life.
OZ till the day I die, bitches!
~Nick
