Sooo...

....Spring Break was fun. Went out with some fraternity brothers, wandered around town, got drunk. It was a good time.

After it was over, I decided to quit alcohol and smoking. Cold turkey. Yeah, so I'm in a pretty horrible mood right now, and have been for the last few days. The smoking I can handle (I'm still dipping, but less). The drinking was awesome because instead of relieving short-term stress, it just let me forget about the rest of the day. And it helped me forget some other things in my past I'd rather not think about on the day-to-day. Regardless of why I committed to alcoholism, the point is that it's time to stop before it gets really bad. I've got plans ahead of me and they don't have any room for problems like that. So, I have listened to the friends who have told me to stop because they're right - it's unhealthy, it's dangerous, and it's not something I want to have to deal with in the future.

So, that's where I'm at. Twitching is not fun. Just sayin'

~Nick

The Thing About Family...

...is that you're supposed to actually belong to one. You're supposed to be able to go home, feel safe, secure. If you have problems and need help you don't hesitate to trust your parents or your siblings. "Home is where the heart is."

Well, somewhere along the line, I guess I went wrong. Or someone else in the family did. Or we all did. Whatever it is, I'm fucking done with the bullshit. I'm moving on in my life. I'm not going to sit around and wait for everyone to get with the fucking program. The system is simple enough: you don't dig around in my life, I don't dig around in yours. Except that it always happens. And I have spent the last 10 years fighting it. And I'm fucking done. I've tried to be the good son, the caring brother. Apparently I'm either not wanted or nobody gives a damn. I've done my best to patch up relationships and work towards something stronger, something better. Again, it's either not wanted or nobody gives a damn.

The point is that this is what family means to me. A bunch of bullshitting and bickering, lies and hidden agendas. I'm tired of everyone in the family trying to keep things a certain way, instead of letting them change. Since when is change a negative thing? I've tried to be optimistic, but those thoughts get shut down in a hurry. My friends, peers, acquaintances, they all wonder why I have such problems relating to people. Getting close to people. Letting down my walls. Part of it is that I've been hurt in the past (if you know me, you know what I'm talking about). But another big part is that I just don't trust anyone who is close to me. I trust a stranger on the street more than some people close to me, because that stranger just leaves me alone. And anyone who says "oh, being alone isn't good for you" can piss off. I'm used to being the one against the world. And who's to say I don't enjoy it? Hell, if I'm going to fight against it all, if it's my only option, then I might as well enjoy it.

You all think I'm crazy and antisocial, a jackass and a bastard. But, all of you seem crazy to me. It drives me insane trying to figure out how you all function. How you think, act, and speak. Because I'm well aware that I'm far from the average human being, but still close enough to know that I'm thinking a little different. People ask me questions, invite me out, try to talk to me, and I spurn them all. Repeatedly. And you know what? All you're doing is pushing me further and further away. I'm pushing you further and further away at the same time. Why? Because that's my reaction to people who are family. The people I am closest with are the people who are okay with me keeping them at arms length away. And I look at that, and I can acknowledge that it's sad. It's sad that's how I have to function in this world. But I've never known any other way of living.

I could sit here and blame my parents for all of this. Or it could be my independent nature. My instinct at disobeying, proving wrong, holding out against. I think mostly that everyone around me wanted me to show them who I was, instead of looking for themselves. There's a lot you can learn by just being around someone for years. And I am who I came to be. And apparently that's still a problem. Apparently, I'm still either unwanted, or nobody gives a damn what I have to say. So, since I'm not part of the family, then I have no qualms about not respecting them. Until they can see for themselves instead of having me point out every goddamn thing to them, I'm done. I am fucking done.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have many beers to go down in record time.

~Nick

Trip and....

SPLAT.

Shit came up. Family stuff. I will post what I can, when I can. Might be a bit.

~Nick

...ooooooOOOOOO

OOOOOOoooooo......

Figured I might change the title format up a bit. Hope you don't mind; it won't happen again, I promise.

Short update today. Tomorrow is, as most of America's youth of my generation know already, the release of Final Fantasy XIII. I've been waiting a good long time for this latest installment. It has been reserved and, in actuality, ignored in the last three weeks since I put a payment on it. I guess I just had other things going on. Anyways, I was thinking about it this past weekend, and I realized Tuesday was practically right around the corner. And now Monday has arrived, and what a poor example of a day it is! Woke up early, sat around, ate a late brunch, and now I'm sitting here taking a break from my five-page essay after writing a single page. One! I just can't focus, my mind keeps floating back to my music and thoughts of how awesome this game will be. Call me a nerd, but hey, I love gaming, and the Final Fantasy series happens to be one of my favorites. Think of 'em like interactive stories and movies. They've got better characters and plots than most films out there, trust me. Anyways, to sum up, I feel like a little kid on Christmas morning: groggy, stumbling, and suddenly realizing that there are presents downstairs under the tree...in my case, it's downhill at mall.

I'll probably write my own review for a first reaction to the game on my next post.

~Nick

Metal owns...

...my heart and soul. Seriously. Love, love, love metal. I am a metalhead. Headbanger. And damn proud of it!

Took a hiatus from listening to music, and metal specifically, so as to open my mind back up to other types of music. But this whole last weekend and this whole week I have been listening (blasting, rather) to the metal. It's a great feeling of nostalgia and a bit home-sweet-home. The best part is that after having taken a fairly long break from regularly listening to it, I found a new appreciation for it, as well as appreciation and a likeness for new songs that I maybe didn't give a second chance or hadn't bothered to listen to.

I think there's a possibility I have an ulcer. Probably peptic. Got diagnosed by one of friends, although she used WebMD, so I'm not sure of the validity of the diagnosis. But, the pain I'm feeling fits more than half the symptoms and the typical causes are -- surprise, surprise -- my habits. Smoked for the first time after a month and a half off because I was drinking a lot this weekend. And now I decided I'm off both for the foreseeable future, until the stomach pains either go away or they get worse. I figured since a symptom of them is vomiting and I hate going to the doc's office and hospitals, I'm not going in to get it checked out until I show one of the severe symptoms, AKA- constant nausea and dizziness, vomiting blood, or a combination of the two. It doesn't seem that bad to me because I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but I'm starting to think (not worry) about it since it's been gradually getting more intense over the last 6 or 7 days. Oh well. It'll either go away, or it won't. Not much I can really do now...well, that I want to do. Anyways, that's enough about that.

Shit has hit the fan in more ways than one, but time has, for me, almost always been the best solution to a problem. This is no exception. I wouldn't be much of the man I said I would be and strive to be if I didn't take a step back right now, be patient and smart about it all, and not get ahead of myself.

"He must be a gentlemen...a man of honor and courage...a man of zeal, yet humble...an intelligent man...a man of truth...one who tempers action with wisdom."

The most important section of one of the most important things to me. I do my best to live by this. But I'm not perfect. Sometimes I lose myself in a situation. Sometimes I lose sight of what it all means. Sometimes, I am simply everything it is not. But I do my best. I don't believe I can hold myself to a higher standard than doing my best at what I'm aiming to do. I guess it's all about balance. The harmony of it all, gathered into yourself, to become a better man. That's the goal. That's what I aim for. I see it, but I don't believe I'm quite there yet. Won't be for a long time.

Well, that's enough philosophy for now. Considering this entry is being written directly after a philosophy essay was just written, it's both understandable and starting to get a little intolerable. Anyways, I bid thee all farewell.

~Nick

Blargh...

...I am an alien. Not really, I just like to think I am sometimes. Always been a nerd and damn proud of it.

Okeeeee, so. The rundown for this week is that there isn't one. Just been a really fast week, with not a lot in it. Seriously. Usually, you think, weeks go by slow with a whole lotta nothing in them. Then there's weeks that you don't even know went past you because you were so incredibly busy. Well, this is the other side of the fence of normality, or rather, typical reality. It's been a very, very fast week and I have done nothing important or worthwhile for anything or anyone. And the fact that I haven't even noticed the time flow of the days isn't helping my case. I guess it just happens. But, I'm getting back to it, and well, here I am. Updating you.

So far there's 2 followers and I'm not sure how much they even check in. As for random people happening across this, welcome to my world. You can sit a spell, or you can move on to the rest of your life. As always, it's up to you.

Anyways, there might not be another update for a while, since I've got a test tomorrow to study for, with an essay to write and reading to catch up on in the forecast for the weekend. Looks like a potential shitstorm for a Friday night beerfest. Or not.

~Nick

A Brand New Title...

...has been awarded to me. Now, I've been called many things by many people, among them a plethora of curse words, negative adjectives, or any combination of the two. I've heard some compliments and I generally take them with a grain of salt. I don't know if it's just because I'm trying to be modest and humble, or if I don't believe them. Usually, kind words about myself are met with embarrassment and a bit of self-loathing. Guess I just don't like the attention. But last night, I was told by someone I had just met and hadn't known for longer than an hour that I was a "decent" person.

Decent. Adjective. 1) conforming with generally accepted standards of respectable and moral behavior; of an acceptable standard; satisfactory.

So what does this mean? It's pretty self-explanatory, really. The definition is right there. There's nothing particularly overrating the person in question. And it's not really saying that the person is bad.

I was quite taken aback by what she had described me as. A decent man. A decent person. A decent human being. In all my time searching for the right way to understand myself in a simplified form, has it finally been so blatantly placed right in front of me? Decent. But what does this mean to me?

Decent. I guess the first thing that comes to mind is not good, not bad, just acceptable. Just okay. The average. I've been searching and attempting to be what I believe to be every person to be, the average. That's the idealist in me. Maybe I've succeeded. Maybe I've become what I wanted to be. Or maybe this is just one rest stop on the road through life. I think I'll go with that.

All that aside, this is the first time I have been okay with someone's description of me. It's an odd feeling, realizing that decent is what I am. Average. Just okay. Acceptable. Representative of the standards. My standards.

Decency and acceptability. I like it.

~Nick

*DING*...

...You've got a revelation! Holy crap, I have updated this blog four times in just over a week. How impressive is that? I'm organizing my time. In addition, I have rediscovered the joy and stress release that writing gives me. It's quite wonderful to just turn on some good music, start a new post, and just write away. Helps sort out all of the shit that stacks up. I'm thinking I should do my best to make this a regular thing. At the very least, I can make a weekly update.

Along with writing journal/diary style, I have rediscovered my passion for written works. I'm not talking about my usual military history books. I'm speaking of classic literature, philosophical works, religious texts, various poetry of all kinds. It's been a thrill this weekend to have enlightened myself with some pretty epic stuff. It's a really crazy thing for me, since I haven't cared about anything remotely close to my interests and passions. Music and writings are making a comeback, as well as an unyielding urge to go out and enjoy nature, in my own way. To clarify, that would mean fishing. I guess I just have to wait on that last one.

Kind of a short post, but I was super stoked about finding my long lost loves, if you will.

Oh, three day weekend is over. Shwag. But lab got canceled for Wednesday, so it's one less TA that I have to deal with.

Aloha,

~Nick

Tomorrow is...

...a Sunday. Not just any Sunday. Tomorrow is February 14, 2010. That, my friends, means Valentine's Day. However, seeing as how I'm just not feeling the love, I'm bringing back (in my own mind) Singles Awareness Day on February 14.

For any of you who are idiots, Valentine's Day is a special day of the year for couples to show their affection. The day is supposed to celebrate love for that special someone in your life. Now this just may be me, but I'm confused on whether every other day of the year is for people who aren't coupled. Or should we celebrate love in general? Again, this may just be me, but I think a lot of people would have problems with stalkers and obsessors. Don't worry, they're just celebrating love in their own creepifying way. I digress.

Singles Awareness Day. A day to be aware of those who are single. Self-explanatory. I suppose there really isn't one set goal for SAD. There is no societally-declared objective. However, -

Side note: SAD. Sad. Single = Sad. No, wrong equation. Don't think you're clever for making that connection. You're just an idiot if you are amused by it.

*ahem*

...I believe it is a great chance for people who are single to get out there, meet someone new or maybe reconnect with an past love interest, or pursue their current interests. Who knows? Maybe it will lead somewhere, and maybe it won't, but the ultimate idea behind it all is that just because couples have a special day all to themselves doesn't mean they are privileged to be the only ones to celebrate being in love. I'm getting pretty tired of reading facebook bullshit and hearing from people about how they hate Valentine's Day because it's "a couples' day" or "I don't have anyone special, waaaah." I'm saying, couples are in love and they should celebrated, but those who are single shouldn't be discouraged simply because it's supposed to be a couples' day. Just don't go hating on couples, that's stupid. They're happy and instead of wasting your time bitching and moaning about how you're so miserable, why don't you go out and find that special someone? Or maybe you could just go out and celebrate being single. It has it's perks; you know it, I know it, we all know it. And that's what I'm going to go out and do tomorrow. I am going to celebrate being single and, hell, maybe I'll just happen to talk to the right gal.

My last message regarding Valentine's Day/Singles Awareness day is addressed to all the couples out there. It's fantastic that you are in a relationship. Go ahead, celebrate. Just be courteous to the public eye. The day is about the two of you celebrating your love for each other; no one else needs to know. It's a private matter. So please, do not commit overzealous PDA. No one wants to see a couple going at it in the mall parking lot. And to all the guys out there, don't go parading your girl or wife around to everyone. Unless you really want to be an elitist, sexist, self-centered bastard, don't go treating a woman like that or you may find yourself quite lonely the rest of Valentine's Day, let alone the rest of your life.

Okay, so this whole bit was a bit random. And in writing it, I've noticed that I was kind of all over the place. But my reasoning is simple: I have laundry almost done and dinner to attend with a friend. Yeah. You all totally thought I was fretting about tomorrow. Nah. I'll worry about tomorrow when it gets here, cause I ain't stopping it and it ain't getting here any faster.

Tomorrow, celebrate February 14th in whatever way makes you happy. But for one day, think of making someone else happy with you.

Happy Valentine's / Singles Awareness Day!

~Nick

We define gravity...

...as that which pulls our mass towards Earth. Also, that which makes us shorter. Which is what this post will be.

I am not feeling well. I feel like if I take a shit my intestines will explode or if I don't take a shit my intestines will still explode. Maybe I'm just constipated, maybe I have the runs really bad, or maybe it's any number of things. Whatever it is, I don't care, I just decided I'm going to take a shit after this post. Sorry if that's a little graphic for you, but I guarantee you have seen much worse on the internet, especially if you're reading blogs. Therefore, I feel less guilty about taking advantage of your stupidity.

Besides feeling like shit (pun completely intended), I missed class today. I woke up at 1515. Kind of neat, since that's never happened to me before, but that's not the point. The point is that I missed class. Just when I was on a roll to getting back to where I want and need to be. Ah, well, I guess we all hit some kind of barrier when we are ambitious and maybe a bit obsessed with a good idea, in this case, a healthy one.

Anyways, it's been like, 10 minutes and I feel like one of those baby aliens from Alien is going to just burst through my stomach. Yes, nerds, I realize it was the chest cavity that incubated the alien eggs before they hatched. Semantics.

~A sickly Nick.

To reach another extension...

...please press 11. There is no 11 on a phone. Nor is there a 10, but never mind that.

Okay, so in a nutshell, I am cutting back on everything. Tobacco is twice a day, beer is one a day. Eating less, and eating healthier. So far, I've already lost a bit of weight...or maybe I just feel better without all the crap emotions in my head. Either way, things are looking better.

Sleep patterns. Right. Psychotherapist said to improve them, I would need to change my habits, quit if possible. Now, I'm old fashioned and I believe that quitters never win, and winners never quit. In this case, I'm a winner, which means I get to enjoy a short time of glory and pleasure, but probably won't be around as long. As such, I will probably die a few years younger than what was originally planned. Too bad, so sad. Maybe by the time I'm 65 they can transport my brain into a robot. Sweet. But I digress.

Sleep schedule is slowly coming back. It's been a long haul, and I'm not quite where I want to be, but lagging a few feet into the race is better than falling at the start. So far, I've woken up for all but my earliest class (which is only Tu and Th), a significant improvement over waking up AFTER all classes. Again, to reiterate, do not use amphetamines such as adderall unless it is prescribed to you. Just my two cents, my little warning; take it or leave it.

Other aspects of life / recent developments. Hm.

-21 + New Years = Drunkenness. Life: 0, Nick: 1.

-Women. This one's self explanatory. Life: 1, Nick: 1.

-Missed only one assignment this week. Of eight. Life: 1, Nick: 2.

-Best friend got a girlfriend. Makes time for sex. And nothing else. Life: 2, Nick: 2.

-Old roommate out. New roommate in. Newbie messes with my shit, thinks he's real funny. Life: 3, Nick: 2.

-Other best friend in California remains alive and well. Life: 4, Nick: 2. (hoping he sees this)

Final Score

Life: 4 ---- Nick: 2

Same shit. Different day.

Aloha,

~Nick

Holy fucksticks, Batman...

...it's Finals Week! Your nemesis!

Update after this week. Promise. Last two months have been eventful, i.e. busy.

Shut up and go study.

~Nick

One of these days...

I will stop being a drunk and hold off the temptation to drown myself in alcohol and actually update this with other more happy and more positive things than alcoholism.

~Nick

If Updating Blogs Consisted of Good Karma...

Then I am definitely going to be reincarnated as something less than a cockroach. Perhaps I'll come back as a new strain of the flu and infect anyone who has a blog and does not regularly update it. You know, my friend is in Ireland and, even with all that she's doing over there, she still finds more time to update her blog than I have found in nine months! I'm hoping that, seeing as how I have a super easy semester, I'll be able to update more frequently. Before all those supposed updates, I figure I should probably update you all on pretty much the last half year of my life. I shall do my best to condense and summarize, but not miss important details.

So, spring semester of 2009. I suppose I can't really complain with my grades. As it turns out, what I thought was going to be a moderately difficult semester -- two higher-level history courses, a political science course, and a language course -- turned out to be the most stressful and hellish five months of my collegiate career. Unbeknownst to me, the history courses and the political science course all required vast amounts of readings (books AND articles) as well as a previously unheard of amount of essay-writing. Here are the basic stats; they should give you a pretty good idea as to how incredibly awesome my life was.

Average length of sleep: 6 hours (often less)

Average nights of sleep/week: 3

Average pages due per week: 12-15

Average time spent reading material needed for writing said pages: 6-8 hours/night

Now, here's where I'm confusing myself. I'm sure you would agree that this does not sound like something the normal human being can achieve for five months, without serious risk to his or her health. While I am quite normal now, back then I was not. I spent an incredible amount of personal funds to buy Adderall and other "performance enhancing" drugs, which I was constantly taking. Needless to say, my brain was thoroughly fried. However, I did garner the grades I aimed to get (above a 3.0 for the semester, which was lowered from 4.0 after I discovered that my classes were going to be tough). In addition to both learning the material (as well as retaining the information) and getting the grades I worked for, I have also seemed to have developed a minor sleep disorder. To be a bit more precise, it's more like several disorders: insomnia, random lengths of sleep, randomly altered moods regardless of sleep length, things like that. So, why am I telling you this? For two reasons. First, I would not recommend using drugs like Adderall for academic purposes. I don't necessarily believe it to be cheating, but it's not the best way, it's merely convenient. Second, if you do end up using them, do NOT make it a regular habit to take them. In an emergency, such as a forgotten essay due at 0900 the next morning, I believe it's okay. But keeping yourself on a high dose (I was averaging 100+ mg/day; a dangerous dose is considered to be anywhere from 150-180 mg) for an extended period of time will not end well for you. If you aren't already in the know, drugs like Adderall or Ritalin are amphetamines. Amphetamines are basically the minor form of METH. In higher doses, they can cause psychosis and hypertension. And if you think you can take them for a while and not get addicted, then you are a fucking idiot. I had to deal with 3 weeks of withdrawal symptoms (go to wikipedia if you want to know what they are; I pretty much had all of them) and it was very, very tough. Nicotine, alcohol, nothing could satisfy the urge. So, if you decide to be a moron and make stupid choices like myself, then know that I gave you fair warning.

SUMMER! Best part of the year and I think that goes almost without question. Sun, breeze, bright colors, family, friends, a distinct absence of stress, fishing, tubing, shooting, working, driving, boating, running, partying...the list goes on. My summer did not disappoint me; it was filled with many traveling adventures as well as the usual sit-around-and-do-nothing-because-I-can solo adventures. After spending such a horrid semester at school here on the Hawaiian islands, it almost felt like Minnesota was a great three-month vacation. I got to see family and friends, go see places, do things, sleep (well, more than I was), eat homemade food, fish, read...you know, it costs a lot to keep flying back and forth but it sure feels freakin' awesome.

August 21st, I returned to O'ahu. It was a tiring flight of delays, nearly missed connections, as well as general boredom. When you fly to Hawai'i twice each year, it sort of loses its zeal. I've come to realize that I'm not returning here for vacation, I'm returning to continue my education; that thought curbs any excitement I previously had. Speaking of continuing education...

This is my third year of school. It will also be my last...but only for a while! I will be returning. If you have been following this blog for a length of time, you will know that I am quite set on enlisting in the military, specifically the United States Marine Corps. Why? Because I want to. I want to fulfill my duty to this country, do something honorable with myself. I want to prove that I have what it takes to be the best of the best. I want to NOT pay 34k to go to school and have massive amounts of loans under my name. I do not want my parents to be struggling to work as much overtime as they can to make their contribution (which fucking FAFSA decided was a "proper" amount). I want my sister, who is infinitely more intelligent and capable than myself, to be able to go to a university of her choice, where she will have the education and resources to succeed in whatever she wants to do in life, and I also don't want my parents bending over backwards to work to pay for both of us. At this rate, neither of them will be able to retire in time to really enjoy their lives. I figure that since I'm frequently at odds with my education and since my sister is going to be graduating this year, I'm going to shift the money that is coming my way towards her. Following the closure of spring semester 2010, I will be returning to Minnesota and enlisting in the USMC. For how long, I am not sure. Since I will be enlisted (my clinical depression and medications are a black mark on my medical record; I'm not allowed to be an officer in any branch of the military), I will be getting paid less and doing more. In order to pay back loans, my parents, and have enough saved up to support myself going back to school after, my guess is a full eight years. If I'm in any longer? Hell, I might as well make a career out of it, I'd be half-done after ten years; ha, if I'm lucky I could retire just after hitting 40 years of age. Now some of you who know me, and some who don't, will probably disagree with my decision, and you have every right to think I'm making the wrong decision. But I at least hope you can all understand why I'm doing what I'm doing and that I'm making this choice based on my own beliefs. All I'm asking for is support for the decision because as of right now, I don't have very much. I've been called an idiot to my face by multiple people and I've been lectured by many more. I'll be doing it regardless, but it'd be nice to know that my choice is at least respected and that I'm not failing everyone's expectations of me.

Anyways, it is currently 0630 here. See? SEE? Insomnia. I'm not even tired right now, my wrists are just insanely sore from typing a novel for you to read. If you made it this far, I'm impressed!...impressed that you actually were intrigued enough to read this far! Shoots!

Aloha,

~Nick

Okay, so I lied...

And I feel horrible about it. I haven't updated yet! I have an alibi...well, an excuse, really. I moved the bookmark for Blogger to a different section during Finals week so I wouldn't notice it and be tempted with yet another procrastination method. And it seems in the chaos of that week, I totally forgot about it and my blog as a whole.

It's been a busy summer, much busier than I expected it to be, but it's been fun-filled. I will update soon, following my fishing adventures, which have been extremely lacking since I've been back.

I shall return.

~Nick

That big boat home...

Yes, it is the end of finals week. But still one more test left, so I gotta stay focused. After that, have to sell my books back, find a storage place, pack everything up, and square away it all. So, until I'm back in Minnesota, the update will be delayed. It's been a long damn while since I've had time to think and be able to update. Needless to say, a lot of it will be about friends, school, life, and belief.

~Nick

Epic...

FAIL! Wow, is it just me or has anyone else reading this noticed that whenever I post, it's when I'm pulling an all-nighter? Yeah, I just pulled another one and I have another 12 hours left in my 33 hour "shift". So, yeah, if I have time (or the capacity to remember) later tonight, I'll update. There is a super long, super epic posting that the Internet needs from me ASAFP. If not tonight, sometime this week. And I'm going to be smart this time and acknowledge the fact that it might not go as planned. Stay tuned: same bad time, same bad channel.

~Nick

Oops...

Forgot to post 2 weeks ago like I planned. Which makes it more than a month since I was last on this blog. Well, to make this brief, spring break is over and done with. We are now onto more exciting college adventures of sleep deprivation and caffeine overdoses. Maybe we'll throw some extracurricular stuff in there, just for a change of pace. Anyways, I had to pull an all nighter to get back on my regular sleep schedule, so I have another 17 hours to suffer through before I can sleep again (been at it for 14 already; almost half-way done!). Therefore, I promise the next post will be up sometime this week. 

OZ 'til the day I die, bitches!

~Nick

This Moment...

...is what I'm currently listening to. It's a single by Disturbed, they wrote it for Transformers. It's pretty good, actually, definitely one of my more favored songs. It's not a super heavy style like Stricken or Indestructible, but it's definitely within their Prayer or Remember styles.

Anyways, it's been a long while since I've updated. Like, two weeks? Maybe more? Yeah, I'd like to apologize for that. I've had a combination of one of my best friends visiting out here for two weeks and very hellish midterms week that totally kicked my ass. Basically, my friend came out on Sunday and we had Monday off, but that was also midterms week and my professors thought it might be funny if they gave us presentations, worksheets, and papers on top of our midterm studying. And since my friend was out here, naturally, I put it all off until the night before. So from Tuesday at noon until Saturday at 3 am, I slept once for 3 hours. 31 hours, 3 hours of sleep, and another 53 hours of work. Needless to say, I was a little crazy by the end of it. But on the bright side, I finished all of my studying and work and actually did pretty well on most of it, so I can't complain too much. 

So, Rush went well. We pledged 8 guys and as a Pledge Educator and as a brother, I'm really excited to see a group like this. Even though their number isn't high, they are all very enthusiastic, smart, and they get along well with each other and with the rest of the brothers. I'm stoked that we've got a good, solid group of pledges to teach what it means to be a Kappa Sigma, because I know these guys will be able to take up those leadership positions and grow to become better men. It's an awesome thing.

So, updates:

Women: could be doing better, but could be doing worse. Just kind of going with things and being patient. I'm not too sure of what I'm doing, so I guess I'd better get on top of that before I do something stupid. Or say something stupid.

School: It can suck my dick. Just puttin' that out there. I love learning, I love being taught things, I love studying and reading...I hate homework. There's better things to do than sit in your room or at the library and spend hours working on something that only teaches you one math problem or one historical event or one biological process. The education system needs some restructuring, in my opinion. But classes are good, professors are good, I'm staying on top of my shit and gettin' work done.

Friends: Dunno. Same old. We hang out and do random stuff all the time.

Hobbies: Well, I'm back to the blogging. Still listening to music 24/7. Still leisure reading, if I have time. Gettin' slowly back into the working out; it's tough once you've been out of the game for a while.

I guess there's nothing really too big to write about. I think if things are pretty mellow like this, I should just start writing about history or political science, current events, religion, philosophy...something to keep my mind working. 

Anyways, updates to follow. Soon. Don't quote me on that.

OZ till the day I die, bitches!

~Nick

Just Like You Imagined...

Well, here I am. It is, indeed, a week later. And some absolutely wonderful things have been happening. That "wonderful" is both true and false.

So, pretty much, I've been having a really wonderful and really shibby week. We'll start off with the shibby stuff.

Well, this week has been full of disappointments. Stuff has been going on with my best friend and has resulted in my abandoning him...somehow. Apparently, I've forced his hand and he's holding me responsible for his decisions. Uh-huh. That makes perfect sense. It's happened before where he's tried to control me and what I do, and as soon as I make a stand against what he says, I'm his enemy. Right. Perfect sense right? Evidently, the fact that I'm super busy and focusing on school doesn't mean jack shit to him; I HAVE to do this with him, or we HAVE to do that together. Or I NEED to go over to his place, just because he's bored while he's at his dorm. Fuck that. If I'm busy, or just plain don't want to go there, then it just doesn't happen. God forbid that I have a life that is outside of his control. Oh no, that just can't be! Anyways, seriously: I have things to do and a lot of those things constitute my daily life. And my daily life doesn't always include him...and I guess that's a problem for him. It's his choice that he took a job that takes up a lot of his time. It's his choice to make a daily schedule that conflicts with mine. It's his choice that he wants to hang out at midnight and make me walk to hang out with him when I have class or other things to do the next and I want to sleep. Oh my God, I'm making my own decisions? And he doesn't have a say? GASP! Someone's outside of his nice, naive little world of comfort. Somethings not right and it makes him vulnerable. I mean, seriously, I understand that you like to be in control. Who doesn't? Hell, I like to be in control of my life and the decisions I make. But you (I'm using you to include the 7 billion people in the world...or whatever the number currently is) can't force your control on other people. No one has that kind of authority. Sometimes people or events or things are out of your control. And you can't force your way back into the fold to have a say in the matter. Things just happen. That's life. The only thing a man can do is be in control of himself. "Be master of mind, not mastered by mind." If you can have power of yourself, to look outside of what you want and see what's happening, you might not like it, but you can understand it. And if you can understand something, maybe you'll be okay with. At the very least, you'll figure out how to deal with it. And that's the maturity factor. You can't make your decisions and hold others accountable for how things turn out. You have to make your choices, and make them smart. And later, don't hold anyone accountable except yourself. Don't kick yourself for making what might be the wrong decision, and don't take it out on those closest to you. Be the better man.

As for other shit, I've been stressed from the last week of rush. Getting behind on homework, busy with events and trying to catch up. Lack of sleep. It's just not been a good week.

On the bright side...I can't talk about it yet. I know: I said I would let you in on my new view on what was in the post about two weeks ago. Needless to say, it's not the most optimistic...but it's definitely not the down side either.

On that note, pledge ceremony and dinner were phenomenal. Overall, a great, kickass time spent with new pledges and brothers, current and grads. 

Another post soon...not saying when...but soon...

OZ till the day I die, bitches!

~Nick